Apologies: Don't kill me. This is it. And I really can't write sex. *whimpers*
Stripper Cath meets College Sara.
The only thing Sara wanted was to not betray that this was her first time. But the panic and thrill of it made it hard for her to think of what to do. She hadn’t actually expected it to go past talking and playing around. But Catherine was kissing her and she couldn’t think. She had always been half terrified of the idea; mouths were spit and teeth, not made for this. But she hadn’t expected the wave of what felt like panic. But the panic was at it both happening and at the possibility it might stop. She pushed off her elbows, leaning into the kiss, wanting more than just the brush of lips on lips.
Catherine opened her mouth, and then it was spit and teeth like she had expected, but she had forgotten that inside another person’s body it was nearly a hundred degrees. And she hadn’t thought of tongues. She hadn’t expected the heat, or the way the slickness made it feel real and alive, and right like the way greased pipes slid together, and fit.
She couldn’t stop her hands from sliding down Catherine’s back, feeling the strength under her fingers, then tracing down to the gentle curve of her stomach.
Catherine stiffened, and pulled away. “Don’t touch there!”
Sara gazed up at her, half stunned at what she had been allowed to do. “I want to touch everywhere,” she mumbled, unaware of what she was saying.
Catherine looked at her for a long moment, considering, almost questioning, and she opened her mouth.
Suddenly Sara knew she was going to ask, “you haven’t done this before, have you?” She lurched forward awkwardly, nearly bashing their faces together, but managing to kiss her face and then her lips as if it had been the original intent. Catherine dropped onto her side, and curled an arm around Sara’s back, pulling her closer. Their legs tangled together, and Sara let her eyes drift shut, kissing her repeatedly, just little kisses, the occasional brush of tongue, nipping at her lower lip, and wanting this to last forever.
She didn’t think it would be like this with anyone else. No one else would look at her with that indulgently playful smirk, no one else would breathe on her, and drive her insane, before sinking into it, deep hot slick kisses, that made her slide her knees up and lift her hips and want to just flip Catherine onto her back and grind against her.
Catherine made a move towards getting off her t-shirt, but Sara caught her hands and slowly drew them back, pressing them to the bed above her head. “Stay there,” she said roughly. Catherine gave her a surprised look, and then a dirty smile, and arched her back as Sara pulled off her tank top. She bent her head to kiss her collarbone, and nip it, and then she loosed the closure of Catherine’s bra and watched her breasts slide free, their heaviness pulling them to the side.
Her eyes just barely flickered up, but were caught on Catherine’s lost, almost pained gaze.
“What do you see, when you look at me like that?”
Sara glanced back down, and let herself really look. “I see a woman… no, not a woman, this woman.” She reached out and lifted Catherine’s hand running her thumb along the side of her forefinger, then brought it to her mouth and ran the tip of her tongue over it. “With calluses from studying too much.” Her hands slid down Catherine’s legs and she pulled them up, curling her fingers around her calves. “And strong muscles from standing on her own two feet.” She unhooked the straps of the stiletto sandals and let them drop onto the carpet. “Even if she does it in shoes that would kill me in a second.” Sara leaned down and pressed her lips lightly against the curve of Catherine’s jaw, and then against her neck. “And who has no idea how much she’s really worth.” She mumbled the words against her chest, and stiffened slightly as Catherine’s hands ran up under her shirt, over the scars she wished she could make disappear.
“You’re a sweet talker,” Catherine said, as her fingers traced the lines of one of the deeper scars Sara’s father had left on her back. She didn’t mention them though, just curled her fingers around Sara’s shoulder blades and tugged her down for another kiss. “But I’m not the one who can’t see how much she’s worth, how much more she deserves.”
“This is already more.” Sara smiled awkwardly. “But if you’re offering…”
Catherine found herself smiling in return and not knowing the reason why. She dropped her arms back over her head, and offered her body, as worthless and well used as it was.
No one had ever touched her like this before, firmly but wonderingly. She was used to a confident roughness, a bravado that Sara entirely lacked. Perhaps it was the scientist in her, the wanting to know, wanting to find out. She didn’t seem afraid, just curious, and absorbed. Catherine wondered absently if Sara would be able to discover all her secrets with wandering fingers and questing tongue. She wondered if she would run away if she knew.
* * *
Sara’s body was slick with sweat, and she panted, with the occasional little sigh that Catherine found unutterably endearing. She let Sara wriggle into her arms and rest her head against her chest. It was probably a bad idea. She had to find a way to extricate herself without completely eviscerating the precarious self-esteem of the girl she had just deflowered. It had been what she wanted, to be worshiped like this, and the way Sara had looked while being fucked, the sounds she made, her incredible responsiveness had been just icing on the cake. She needed to feel powerful again, and having someone squirming and mewling under your hands was the perfect way to do it.
Sara sighed again, cuddling up to her, and Catherine absently let her fingers twine through the girl’s hair.
“I love you.”
Catherine froze. Oh shit. That was the trouble with virgins.
She extricated herself from Sara’s grip and sat up, tucking her knees to her chest, and forced a harsh laugh. “Oh, please, honey. You’re a Spring Breaker. Take it for what it was and go home.”
Sara pushed herself up and glared at her. “What was it? I’m not a kid, I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t… didn’t feel it.”
“It was sex. And I know, first time, change your life, endorphin rush. It will pass.”
Sara looked stung at the mention of first times. She crossed her arms over her small sexy breasts, and Catherine quickly swallowed and tried to ignore them.
“It’s not about that. I know I’m…” she shook her head. “I can’t leave you here, with him. I know what happens.” Her voice cracked a little and it cracked Catherine’s chest at the same time. “I’ve lived what happens. And yeah, you gave me my first time. I owe you.”
“I thought you said I wasn’t a whore.”
“I owe you a favor.”
“Well, what’s your offer?” Catherine asked with intended sharpness. “Your heart? Because it’s worth about as much to me as its weight in protein.”
Sara hardened, and Catherine wondered how someone naked could look clothed in armor. “I want to offer you a chance.”
“A chance? This is Vegas, there’s always a chance.”
“Come back to Berkeley with me. I won’t mock you for wanting to learn there. I won’t make it harder than it already is.”
For a moment Catherine lost control of herself, her rationality, and let herself imagine what if could be like. She let her eyes drift around the room, the backpack with books spilling from it, their clothes scattered across the rug. It was absurd. Sara didn’t know her, and she didn’t know Sara, but it wasn’t any more absurd than the way she had moved into her boyfriends’ apartments, or the way Eddie had insinuated himself into hers. You hated things about them, you wanted to hit them for leaving dirty dishes in the sink, you fucked them because they were there, whether or not you really wanted to. That at least wouldn’t be a problem with Sara. She wouldn’t need to lock her out of the apartment when she needed to study.
Sara shrugged, her humiliation at daring to make the offer turning her face bright red.
Catherine shook her head, smiling wryly. “That’s sweet.”
“You’re too good for him,” Sara said roughly. “You shouldn’t have to be with someone who makes you feel worthless when you’re doing everything you can to change your life.”
Catherine reached out and lifted Sara’s chin, brushing her thumb across her lips. “Thank you,” she said softly. “But I cannot accept your offer.”
Sara’s eyes were wide and she started to open her mouth, to ask why, no doubt, or to reassure her about her pride or something else irrelevant.
“I’m pregnant,” Catherine said, the words coming out more roughly than she had intended. Btu she hadn’t had much practice saying them. She hadn’t told anyone yet, not until she had a new job lined up. She wrapped her arms around her knees, hiding the changes in her body, although it was too little too late with the way Sara had touched everything.
The shock was vivid on Sara’s face. It was what she had expected, but it still stung.
“You’re amazing, Sara, and I have no doubt you’ll continue to be amazing. But I don’t think you’re prepared for that, no matter how much you think you want me, or how much you think I deserve.”
Sara sat stunned, and Catherine waited for the final word, waited for her to turn away, and close the door on the sweet future she had so naively offered.
* * *
There’s a moment in a game where you either risk it all or fold. The moment where the odds are even, where you read the tells and you look at your hand, and you have to choose, trust to luck, or play it safe. When you trust to luck, maybe you’ll win, maybe you’ll lose. But when you play it safe, all you can do is hope you get another chance to play the game.
Flip a coin.
Heads or Tails
The weekend after her semester ended, Sara drove back up to Las Vegas in a borrowed pickup.
Eddie flipped when Catherine told him she was leaving. He wouldn’t believe it at first.
“You’re not a dyke Kitty! Believe me. I would know. You’re just taking her for all you can get, you cunt. But she won’t take your shit for long. When the little dyke gets bored and chucks you out, you’ll come crawling back to me, Cat. You know you will.”
Catherine ignored him, stiff and silent, as she threw her bags into the back of the truck. She slid into the bench seat and glanced over. Sara could read the desperation in her eyes, the ‘don’t abandon me now, not when I’ve taken this risk,’ written there.
Sara gave her a half smile and shifted into gear, ignoring Eddie kicking the tires in a fit of pique.
When Las Vegas was in the mirror behind them, Catherine leaned back in the seat with a groan of relief.
“Thank you,” she said. “I didn’t really think you were going to come.”
Sara looked at her hands on the steering wheel. “Sometimes I didn’t either. In the end I convinced myself to come even though I was sure you wouldn’t actually leave with me. I had to keep my promise.”
Catherine snorted. “What a knight you are. Dusty pickup and all.”
Sara looked ashamed.
Catherine closed her eyes, wincing, then reached out and covered Sara’s hand on the gearshift as she was moving from fourth into fifth. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong. You are the most incredibly chivalrous person I’ve met. No one has ever made me an offer like this before.” She smiled grimly. “Especially after only fucking me once.”
“I want… I want you to know that there really are no strings attached. If you don’t… want to…” Sara looked hopelessly muddled and embarrassed. “I have two rooms.”
Catherine laughed to herself and leaned over to kiss Sara on the cheek. “Not going to be an issue, I’m sure. Not in the least.”
Sara flushed and nearly drove off the road.
Every once in a while Sara wonders what would have happened if she said, “that doesn’t change anything.” If there were any words she could have said to convince Cat that she was serious, that she wanted her. She didn’t care if it was an instant family. She would have been happy to have Lindsay be her baby, to have a real family and prove that she was different from her parents, that she could love a child. Maybe she would have finished her doctorate, be a nerdy physics professor, with a beautiful wife and daughter. Maybe she would have been happy.
But Sara chose what she knew, and Catherine did the same.
When Sara’s life fell apart, she remembered Catherine’s smile, remembered the eagerness with which she had spoken about forensics, and put her life back together based on that smile.
When Catherine’s life fell apart, she remembered Sara’s ferocity as she said, “You’re too good for him,” and put her life together again with that ferocity.
And ten years later they had a second chance to play.
Sara brought a wayward Lindsay home after finding her hitchhiking and Cat met her at the door, looking at them together, heartbreak in her eyes, and finding matching heartbreak in Sara’s.
“She should have been my kid,” said Sara. Catherine leaned into her and let herself rest there.
“I wish she had been.”